INFERTILITY ETIQUETTE
A Glimpse Into an Infertile Soul
For Friends, Family, Ministry Leaders, Doctors
Ideas for Places of Worship
What can make one fall easily into the cracks of the barren land?
Someone's comments or someone's silence.
Most family, friends and ministry leaders have good intentions, but sometimes they fall short of expressing their love and concern to one who is struggling with infertility or infant loss. Etiquette prescribes a code of social behavior for a particular group. Gaining knowledge on how to respond gives support to your loved one or congregant. It is as if you are taking their hand and walking with them on the barren road.
A Glimpse into an Infertile Soul
"Suffering silently, screaming loudly" - this one phrase could best describe an infertile woman. She walks around appearing outwardly to be "just fine", yet inwardly, emotions are screaming. Below are candid answers from a focus group of women who are fighting, or have fought and won, the battle against infertility. The willingness to share their experience openly and candidly provides invaluable information.
What were your initial feelings when diagnosed with infertility?
"Disappointed. Confused. Why me? Shame. Something is wrong with me as a woman. Denial. Shock. A feeling of numbness. Disbelief."
Emotionally?
"Crushed. Grieving - as grieving a loved one. Weak. Devastated. Saddened. Depressed. Withdrawn. Emotionally spent."
What do you compare infertility to?
"I felt completely isolated. There was no one to talk to. I also felt angry with myself with putting my career ahead of starting a family."
"Someone's worse heartbreak or the break up of ones' life. It's like losing a loved one---however, there is no funeral. No one brings the bereaved flowers. The grieving person must suck it up and move on because there are greater problems in the world..."
"Cancer. You fight cancer with chemo and treatments but you never know if you will beat cancer. I never knew I would beat infertility and I felt like I would die trying."
"For me, it felt like the death of who I thought I was going to be: a mother."
"Like going through the wilderness on the way to the promised land."
"I feel like I am stuck in an unconscious state. I want to experience life but it seems to be just passing me by."
"My life's worst nightmare."
"Losing a loved one"
"Being diagnosed with a terminal disease, yet no one tends to your dying wishes."
back to top
Infertility Etiquette
For Family, Friends and Ministry Leaders
HOW TO RESPOND:
Recognize infertility exists.
I am sorry that you're having to go through so much.
What can I do for you?
Teach me about what you are going through so I can better understand.
Never give up. Keep believing.
It is okay to cry.
WHAT TO SAY:
Non-selfish comments.
Voice interest in medical treatments.
I'll be praying for you and your husband.
I am here for you.
God can do anything.
Give a scripture.
You'll be a great mom!
I can't wait to meet your baby!
Give a call on Mother's Day.
Remind them of God's promises.
Don't say anything, just listen and encourage.
WHAT NOT TO SAY
When are you going to have children?
Just adopt.
Are you sure you want to try for a child?
Shouldn't you wait until 'this' happens or 'that' happens?
Quit trying so hard.
From a medical specialist, "You will never have a baby."
Give up. Let it go. It will happen.
It is not the end of the world if you don't have kids!
Just relax.
You're too old to have a child.
Just stop thinking about it so much, then it will happen.
It will happen when you are least expecting it.
Just go get drunk.
There is more to life than just being a "mom".
At least you're an aunt. That's fun!
Complain about your own children.
Questioning the ability to be a mother.
Infertility Etiquette: Family Members
FOR HUSBANDS: WHAT TO SAY:
"I accept you and love you know matter what."
"I am in agreement with you and praying for our children too."
"I am looking forward to having a family."
"You are doing a great job in your walk of faith for our children."
"I want a child just as much as you do."
"I feel your frustration of unanswered prayer."
"We can do whatever it takes."
"I believe we will have a child."
"No matter what, we together are a family forever!"
"My love for you will never change, whether we have a family or not."
"We can try again next month."
"Physical embrace, without words."
FOR HUSBANDS: WHAT NOT TO SAY OR DO:
"It may not happen for us."
About miscarriage: "It's no big deal."
"I am not as ready as you are."
"Don't worry your cycle will come again next month."
The unwillingness to acknowledge there is a problem, and that we needed help.
Lack of faith to believe that God can do the impossible.
Asking too many "what if" questions.
FOR HUSBANDS: HOW TO RESPOND WHEN SHE STARTS HER CYCLE:
Just listen and comfort her.
"We will try again."
"It's okay, we are going to get through this, I still love you."
"I'm praying for us. Our family is just right around the corner."
Hold her, cry with her, try to understand.
Don't act relieved.
Let her have her meltdown.
Give her space, time to wallow and then refocus.
Give reassurance.
KIND GESTUREs YOU CAN DO FOR YOUR WIFE:
Request prayer at church for the two of you.
Buy a crib.
Go to all of the doctors appointments.
After each fertility treatment, buy a gift that would be useful in pregnancy, even though she isn't pregnant yet!
Tend to her emotional needs.
Don't try to fix it.
Find a infertility support group and attend together, or drive her to one for women.
Give her some space.
Send her a card on Mother's Day.
Closeness and tender touch at the perfect moments.
FOR OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS:
Let up on the questions, "Do you want children?" or "Where are my grandchildren?"
Do not treat the woman/infertile couple differently.
Do not test them on how they will react to other children in the family.
Keep the issue within the family.
Be their biggest cheerleader.
Get educated on fertility treatments and terminology.
Be sensitive that they may not want to share the highs and lows of the journey.
Ask how they feel, not just ask superficial things.
Encourage faith. Pray with them.
Try not to fix the situation.
At family gatherings: Be aware that the couple may not come around as often.
After the initial issue is shared within the family, don't sweep it under the rug. Silence about the matter can be a killer.
FOR THE ONE GOING THROUGH INFERTILITY:
Forgive often.
Educate others about infertility.
Teach family and friends what to say and how to say it to you.
When on medication or going through procedure, be gentle with yourself.
It is okay to say 'no' to baby showers and children's birthday parties.
Write thank you notes to those who have encouraged you.
Try not to be angry with your spouse, or any one else!
Confront and let go of your hurts, never hold onto them.
Show affection to your spouse; tell them "I love you" daily.
Look past the mouths' of others and into their hearts, most have good intentions at hand.
Infertility Etiquette: Miscarriage or Stillbirth
HOW TO RESPOND:
Acknowledge the loss. Whether it has happened at five or forty weeks of pregnancy. The loss of life is felt deeply.
Your silent presence can speak volumes.
Show love, "love never fails." I Corinthians 13:8
Note the date when the miscarriage or stillbirth occurred and acknowledge it the next year.
Give a call or send a card on Mothers or Fathers Day.
WHAT NOT TO SAY:
"Don't worry; your baby is up in heaven safe."
"You'll get pregnant again; you'll have other children."
"I thought you'd be over this by now."
"Why are you so sad? You were only a few weeks along."
"I guess it wasn't meant to be."
"All things work together for the good!"
Infertility Etiquette: Ministry Leaders
"Hannah was praying in her heart, and her lips were moving but her voice was not heard. Eli thought she was drunk and said to her, "How long will you keep on getting drunk? Get rid of your wine."
I Samuel 1:13-14
Just as Eli the priest did not understand Hannah's plea for a child, church and ministry leaders often miss the cry from women and couples in their congregations. Many who experience infertility, adoption attempts or loss often feel disillusioned with their places of worship, thinking they can receive help.
Here are some suggestions for pastors or ministry leaders:
As a place of worship, what is your definition of a family?
Be sensitive to the reality of infertility within your congregation. Any insensitivity to this issue can draw couples away from the church, feeling excluded altogether.
Be aware of asking and suggesting that a childless couple should help in the nursery.
For Mother/Fathers Day service or Baby Dedication day, a simple prayer for all hurting on these special days helps to soften the sting of being left out of the celebration.
With advanced reproductive technology comes ethical questions. Be prepared to offer basic scriptural guidelines for families that are seeking counsel.
With marriage being delayed in our culture, be sensitive to the singles longing for children.
Post any baby-day events in your bulletin early so families that are grieving over infertility or infant loss can prepare themselves.
Don't elevate parenthood to the point where one feels cursed because they do not have children yet.
Beware of saying: "Motherhood/Fatherhood is the highest calling for a Christian" or "Children are the ultimate sign of God's blessing on your marriage."
back to top
Ministry Leaders: Ideas for your Place of Worship
Look for an infertile couple to start a support group ministry.
Place flowers on the altar during a special holiday, i.e. Mother's Day, in support of those families who have lost children in pregnancy, stillbirth or early infant loss and in memory of the child.
Hold a special service apart from your regular service for couples dealing with miscarriage or stillbirth.
What about a Presentation Day? Go to: www.cedarpark.org/presentation/
For additional information, please see our Resource Page.
back to top
Infertility Etiquette: Doctors
Send information packets to your patient's prior to their visit, explaining medical terms, procedures and treatments.
Infertility is difficult, be sensitive to the fact that the patient/couple before you is hearing this possibly for the first time.
Respond in a timely manner, if your patient is kept waiting for a lengthy time, please apologize.
Your patients are people, not just another number, statistic or paycheck.
While the patient is under your medical care, be personable and passionate.
Treat your patient not as a classic textbook case, but as an individual. You, as a medical professional, be prepared before meeting with your patient. Read over the chart before entering the exam room, reviewing previous visits and any requests.
Knock before entering the exam room, introduce self, make eye contact, have proper identification on and smile.
Speak slowly; listen intently.
Respond and explain diagnosis, procedures, treatments and prognosis in layman's terms, not medical terminology.
Display empathy when giving test results.
Please don't rush out of the room, make sure your patient's questions are answered. Provide contact info for yourself or for your nurse in case they have further questions for you. Respond in a timely manner.
A personal call from you, as a physician, to your patient shows that you are concerned and care. Consider making some calls.
Remain positive when relaying a diagnosis or prognosis. Never tell your patient that "it is impossible".
With Assisted Reproductive Technology procedures take into account your patient's religious and ethical beliefs. Do not use fear to persuade your patient into a procedure that is against their wishes or standards.
For your patients that are on fertility medications to increase their follicle count. If there is only one egg developing and your patient's life is not in danger, allow the couple to make the decision to cancel the cycle. It only takes one egg and one sperm to conceive a baby.
For your patients going through an Assisted Reproductive Technology procedure, please be considerate. This may be their one and only chance for due to finances and time constraints.
Consider the fact that infertility affects couples emotionally, socially, and financially. Your expertise and tender care during this time can make their experience more tolerable.
A Glimpse Into an Infertile Soul
For Friends, Family, Ministry Leaders, Doctors
Ideas for Places of Worship
What can make one fall easily into the cracks of the barren land?
Someone's comments or someone's silence.
Most family, friends and ministry leaders have good intentions, but sometimes they fall short of expressing their love and concern to one who is struggling with infertility or infant loss. Etiquette prescribes a code of social behavior for a particular group. Gaining knowledge on how to respond gives support to your loved one or congregant. It is as if you are taking their hand and walking with them on the barren road.
A Glimpse into an Infertile Soul
"Suffering silently, screaming loudly" - this one phrase could best describe an infertile woman. She walks around appearing outwardly to be "just fine", yet inwardly, emotions are screaming. Below are candid answers from a focus group of women who are fighting, or have fought and won, the battle against infertility. The willingness to share their experience openly and candidly provides invaluable information.
What were your initial feelings when diagnosed with infertility?
"Disappointed. Confused. Why me? Shame. Something is wrong with me as a woman. Denial. Shock. A feeling of numbness. Disbelief."
Emotionally?
"Crushed. Grieving - as grieving a loved one. Weak. Devastated. Saddened. Depressed. Withdrawn. Emotionally spent."
What do you compare infertility to?
"I felt completely isolated. There was no one to talk to. I also felt angry with myself with putting my career ahead of starting a family."
"Someone's worse heartbreak or the break up of ones' life. It's like losing a loved one---however, there is no funeral. No one brings the bereaved flowers. The grieving person must suck it up and move on because there are greater problems in the world..."
"Cancer. You fight cancer with chemo and treatments but you never know if you will beat cancer. I never knew I would beat infertility and I felt like I would die trying."
"For me, it felt like the death of who I thought I was going to be: a mother."
"Like going through the wilderness on the way to the promised land."
"I feel like I am stuck in an unconscious state. I want to experience life but it seems to be just passing me by."
"My life's worst nightmare."
"Losing a loved one"
"Being diagnosed with a terminal disease, yet no one tends to your dying wishes."
back to top
For Family, Friends and Ministry Leaders
HOW TO RESPOND:
Recognize infertility exists.
I am sorry that you're having to go through so much.
What can I do for you?
Teach me about what you are going through so I can better understand.
Never give up. Keep believing.
It is okay to cry.
WHAT TO SAY:
Non-selfish comments.
Voice interest in medical treatments.
I'll be praying for you and your husband.
I am here for you.
God can do anything.
Give a scripture.
You'll be a great mom!
I can't wait to meet your baby!
Give a call on Mother's Day.
Remind them of God's promises.
Don't say anything, just listen and encourage.
WHAT NOT TO SAY
When are you going to have children?
Just adopt.
Are you sure you want to try for a child?
Shouldn't you wait until 'this' happens or 'that' happens?
Quit trying so hard.
From a medical specialist, "You will never have a baby."
Give up. Let it go. It will happen.
It is not the end of the world if you don't have kids!
Just relax.
You're too old to have a child.
Just stop thinking about it so much, then it will happen.
It will happen when you are least expecting it.
Just go get drunk.
There is more to life than just being a "mom".
At least you're an aunt. That's fun!
Complain about your own children.
Questioning the ability to be a mother.
FOR HUSBANDS: WHAT TO SAY:
"I accept you and love you know matter what."
"I am in agreement with you and praying for our children too."
"I am looking forward to having a family."
"You are doing a great job in your walk of faith for our children."
"I want a child just as much as you do."
"I feel your frustration of unanswered prayer."
"We can do whatever it takes."
"I believe we will have a child."
"No matter what, we together are a family forever!"
"My love for you will never change, whether we have a family or not."
"We can try again next month."
"Physical embrace, without words."
FOR HUSBANDS: WHAT NOT TO SAY OR DO:
"It may not happen for us."
About miscarriage: "It's no big deal."
"I am not as ready as you are."
"Don't worry your cycle will come again next month."
The unwillingness to acknowledge there is a problem, and that we needed help.
Lack of faith to believe that God can do the impossible.
Asking too many "what if" questions.
FOR HUSBANDS: HOW TO RESPOND WHEN SHE STARTS HER CYCLE:
Just listen and comfort her.
"We will try again."
"It's okay, we are going to get through this, I still love you."
"I'm praying for us. Our family is just right around the corner."
Hold her, cry with her, try to understand.
Don't act relieved.
Let her have her meltdown.
Give her space, time to wallow and then refocus.
Give reassurance.
KIND GESTUREs YOU CAN DO FOR YOUR WIFE:
Request prayer at church for the two of you.
Buy a crib.
Go to all of the doctors appointments.
After each fertility treatment, buy a gift that would be useful in pregnancy, even though she isn't pregnant yet!
Tend to her emotional needs.
Don't try to fix it.
Find a infertility support group and attend together, or drive her to one for women.
Give her some space.
Send her a card on Mother's Day.
Closeness and tender touch at the perfect moments.
FOR OTHER FAMILY MEMBERS:
Let up on the questions, "Do you want children?" or "Where are my grandchildren?"
Do not treat the woman/infertile couple differently.
Do not test them on how they will react to other children in the family.
Keep the issue within the family.
Be their biggest cheerleader.
Get educated on fertility treatments and terminology.
Be sensitive that they may not want to share the highs and lows of the journey.
Ask how they feel, not just ask superficial things.
Encourage faith. Pray with them.
Try not to fix the situation.
At family gatherings: Be aware that the couple may not come around as often.
After the initial issue is shared within the family, don't sweep it under the rug. Silence about the matter can be a killer.
FOR THE ONE GOING THROUGH INFERTILITY:
Forgive often.
Educate others about infertility.
Teach family and friends what to say and how to say it to you.
When on medication or going through procedure, be gentle with yourself.
It is okay to say 'no' to baby showers and children's birthday parties.
Write thank you notes to those who have encouraged you.
Try not to be angry with your spouse, or any one else!
Confront and let go of your hurts, never hold onto them.
Show affection to your spouse; tell them "I love you" daily.
Look past the mouths' of others and into their hearts, most have good intentions at hand.
HOW TO RESPOND:
Acknowledge the loss. Whether it has happened at five or forty weeks of pregnancy. The loss of life is felt deeply.
Your silent presence can speak volumes.
Show love, "love never fails." I Corinthians 13:8
Note the date when the miscarriage or stillbirth occurred and acknowledge it the next year.
Give a call or send a card on Mothers or Fathers Day.
WHAT NOT TO SAY:
"Don't worry; your baby is up in heaven safe."
"You'll get pregnant again; you'll have other children."
"I thought you'd be over this by now."
"Why are you so sad? You were only a few weeks along."
"I guess it wasn't meant to be."
"All things work together for the good!"
"Hannah was praying in her heart, and her lips were moving but her voice was not heard. Eli thought she was drunk and said to her, "How long will you keep on getting drunk? Get rid of your wine."
I Samuel 1:13-14
Just as Eli the priest did not understand Hannah's plea for a child, church and ministry leaders often miss the cry from women and couples in their congregations. Many who experience infertility, adoption attempts or loss often feel disillusioned with their places of worship, thinking they can receive help.
Here are some suggestions for pastors or ministry leaders:
As a place of worship, what is your definition of a family?
Be sensitive to the reality of infertility within your congregation. Any insensitivity to this issue can draw couples away from the church, feeling excluded altogether.
Be aware of asking and suggesting that a childless couple should help in the nursery.
For Mother/Fathers Day service or Baby Dedication day, a simple prayer for all hurting on these special days helps to soften the sting of being left out of the celebration.
With advanced reproductive technology comes ethical questions. Be prepared to offer basic scriptural guidelines for families that are seeking counsel.
With marriage being delayed in our culture, be sensitive to the singles longing for children.
Post any baby-day events in your bulletin early so families that are grieving over infertility or infant loss can prepare themselves.
Don't elevate parenthood to the point where one feels cursed because they do not have children yet.
Beware of saying: "Motherhood/Fatherhood is the highest calling for a Christian" or "Children are the ultimate sign of God's blessing on your marriage."
back to top
Look for an infertile couple to start a support group ministry.
Place flowers on the altar during a special holiday, i.e. Mother's Day, in support of those families who have lost children in pregnancy, stillbirth or early infant loss and in memory of the child.
Hold a special service apart from your regular service for couples dealing with miscarriage or stillbirth.
What about a Presentation Day? Go to: www.cedarpark.org/presentation/
For additional information, please see our Resource Page.
back to top
Send information packets to your patient's prior to their visit, explaining medical terms, procedures and treatments.
Infertility is difficult, be sensitive to the fact that the patient/couple before you is hearing this possibly for the first time.
Respond in a timely manner, if your patient is kept waiting for a lengthy time, please apologize.
Your patients are people, not just another number, statistic or paycheck.
While the patient is under your medical care, be personable and passionate.
Treat your patient not as a classic textbook case, but as an individual. You, as a medical professional, be prepared before meeting with your patient. Read over the chart before entering the exam room, reviewing previous visits and any requests.
Knock before entering the exam room, introduce self, make eye contact, have proper identification on and smile.
Speak slowly; listen intently.
Respond and explain diagnosis, procedures, treatments and prognosis in layman's terms, not medical terminology.
Display empathy when giving test results.
Please don't rush out of the room, make sure your patient's questions are answered. Provide contact info for yourself or for your nurse in case they have further questions for you. Respond in a timely manner.
A personal call from you, as a physician, to your patient shows that you are concerned and care. Consider making some calls.
Remain positive when relaying a diagnosis or prognosis. Never tell your patient that "it is impossible".
With Assisted Reproductive Technology procedures take into account your patient's religious and ethical beliefs. Do not use fear to persuade your patient into a procedure that is against their wishes or standards.
For your patients that are on fertility medications to increase their follicle count. If there is only one egg developing and your patient's life is not in danger, allow the couple to make the decision to cancel the cycle. It only takes one egg and one sperm to conceive a baby.
For your patients going through an Assisted Reproductive Technology procedure, please be considerate. This may be their one and only chance for due to finances and time constraints.
Consider the fact that infertility affects couples emotionally, socially, and financially. Your expertise and tender care during this time can make their experience more tolerable.